A year ago today I sat up with you all night my boy.

I sat with you on the rug in front of the fireplace, and stroked you.

I helped you up when you wanted to stand.
I helped you to the water when you wanted a drink.
As the night wore on, I picked you up and held you close.
It was a very long night, but the morning came all too soon.

You helped me completely surrender.
You taught me unending patience.
You taught me loyalty.
You taught me soul-partners can come in any form.
You taught me how to say goodbye.
You taught me that we actually go on.
You are still teaching me now.
You are teaching me that love continues, it never dies.

How much you have and still are showing me, I will be forever grateful that you came into my life when you did.  365 days without stroking you, hugging you, feeding you or walking you.  Yet you are with me more than ever.

You are helping me as I help Woody become braver and more settled.

But just for now, I miss you, my love, my heart, my snowflake and my boy.

An old man was walking down a lane. He walked with the aches and pains of years of hard work and long life. He held a stick in his hand, and used it to help him walk along. Every so often, he’d stop, take a moment to catch his breath, and then walk on again.

He came to a slight bend in the lane, where a wall alongside a field formed a seat of sorts.

He took rest on the seat in the warm, late summer sunshine.

He breathed in, and realised he’d breathed deeper than he had done in years. The air smelt warm, and sweet, of the just harvested hay. He closed his eyes and savoured the smell filling his nose. His eyes opened, and he saw details and colours like he last saw 20 years ago. He looked around him in wonder, taking in all the sights, smells & sounds.

He stood up, feeling refreshed, to carry on with his walk. He took a few steps, and realised, he was more using his stick to swing along with him, turning over leaves here and there to see what was underneath, rather than to help him down the lane.

He came to the end of the lane, and he saw a large green meadow. Far, far in the distance, he saw lots of animals all playing and enjoying the sunshine. He paused for a moment, unsure for the time being whether this was the right way or not.

He entered the meadow, knee high with summer flowers, the sweet smell of warm grass, and the sounds of bees buzzing around the honey-filled flowers.

In the distance, a dog, with a glossy black coat, a white blaze on her chest and forehead, with 3 white socked feet, and a tiny white flash on the top of her tail suddenly stops, stock still, and looks up at the man who just entered the meadow.

She tentatively wags her tail, peers intensely at the figure in the distance, takes a couple of steps, and then starts bounding, almost flying across the grass to meet him.

He sees a dog break away from the others and look towards him. He wonders… “Could it be..?” and recognises his dog!

He begins to walk towards her, almost without realising, starts running, both of them now free from aches and pains.

She puts her paws on his chest and tries to lick his face; he looks into her eyes, big and brown, no longer cloudy with age. He puts his hand on her head, and they realise they’ve found each other.
“I told you I’d see you soon Old Girl” the man said.

Slowly, they turn together, and walk down to the far end of the field. They come to a bridge, Rainbow Bridge.

For a moment, the man looks back at the path he’s come down, and the people who he’s left behind.

Then, man and dog look at each other, and turn to look forward across the bridge where they see people waiting for them on the other side.

Together, Bill and Shelley cross the bridge.

Copyright: ZSG
Pictures: By ZSG and Gentry

Below is the folk song from where his name was taken.

Dido Bendigo
traditional, arranged by Pint and Dale

Well, as I was a walking one morning last autumn
I overheard some nobles foxhunting
Between some noblemen and the Duke of Wellington
It was early just as the day was dawning.

Ch.
There was Dido, Bendigo, Gentry he was there-o
Traveler he never looked behind him.
There was Countess, Rover, Bonnie Lass and Jover
These were the hounds that could find him.

Well the first fox being young and
His trials just beginning
He’s made straight way for his cover
He’s run up the highest hill
And along the lowest rill
Thinking that he’d find his freedom there forever.

Well the next fox being old,
And his trials past the dawning
He’s made straight way for the river
Well the fox he did jump in
But a hound jumped after him
It was traveler who straited him forever.

Well they run across the plain
But they soon returned again
The fox and the hounds never failing
It’s been just twelve months today,
Since I heard the squire say,
Hark, forward then me brave hounds forever.

Original page here

Thank you Nick.

IF IT SHOULD BE

If it should be that i grow weak,
and pain should keep me from my sleep,
then you must do what must be done,for this last battle can’t be won.

You will be sad-i understand,
dont let this grief then stay your hand.
For this day more than all the rest,your love for me must stand the test.

we’ve had so many happy years,
what is to come can hold no fears,
you’d not want me to suffer so,
the time has come to let me go.

Take me where my needs they’ll tend,
and please stay with me to the end.
Hold me firm and speak with me,
until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time that you will see,
the kindness that you did for me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
from pain and suffering I’ve been saved.

Please do not grieve, it must be you,
who has this painful thing to do.
We’ve been so close we two these years,
don’t let your heart hold back its tears.

We have always had a very close relationship and through using The Trust Technique which I learnt in 2008, the link between us became very strong.

On Wednesday (20/01) I’d made the decision to have Gentry put to sleep, and about half an hour later I found myself stood at the kitchen table just writing. I’m not sure I even knew what I was writing. But the poem below is the result. It’s written from Gentry’s point of view.

My Journey
This is part of my journey
that I must make alone.
But I’d much rather be sat with you
beside the fire at home.
Or, up on the hill by the railway
Bumbling and peeking through the long grass
with the wind blowing my ears and my fur,
with you there, what more could I ask?!
It’s true you are one who saved me,
and loved me when I was lost,
But now I must do this part alone
and leaving you is what hurts the most.

So I’ll go to the field with the Rainbow
and there, I’ll find my pal, Jack
Then together we’ll watch as your years go
by until we’re together at last.
Then we’ll continue our journey
from this life off into the next
That we will be together I am sure of,
My girl Zoe, and her Gentry – together at their best!

Zoe & Gentry.

Zoe & Gentry

References to “The Rainbow” is to the poem written in the 1980′s by an anonymous author entitled Rainbow Bridge.

Edited: Just to note, that I believe Gentry is, and always will be with me. Over the past few days he’s actually been helping me from where he is now. So my ‘missing him’ feeling, is just the physical bit of me, missing the physical bit of him. Z.

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together….

Gentry went to play at Rainbow Bridge this morning.
As a rough guide, he was about 22 years old (human years).

Night night Gentry. xxx

Only Mum comes in a bit tired from being out all day, so we need to find some chill time together.

We seem to have a little pattern now though for bedtimes.  And Mum is getting the hang of it!  I go outside just before bed, and then have a big drink of water.  Then, Mum turns off the light in the room I sleep in, and also the light in the kitchen so it doesn’t shine into my room too much.

Then Mum sits down on a wooden chair next to my bed and just is present – just there with me.  She’s not thinking about anything, not worrying, just being – with me!  The other night she did this, and I knew she was tired but she still stayed with me.  So, I laid down in bed so that I could see Mum and I fell asleep like that, looking at her.

Mum I'm trying to sleep!

Until she went to get the little flash-box and took a picture of me – but I wasn’t really asleep at that point so it was ok.

The main thing about this message, is that even though I am getting on a bit, as Mr Vet says, and my schedule is now very busy with sleep, and Mum’s schedule is very busy with being out at work – to still find some special time to just be together.

As long as it’s quality time, it doesn’t matter if it’s 10 minutes, or 2 hours!

Gentry

(Edit by Gentry’s Mum: Being Present was a technique taught to me by my friends at Animal Communication – James & Shelley. More about them can be found on The Trust Technique page in this website.)

I hear the door to the corridor slam shut, the other dogs quietened for a second and the new smell entered the kennels.

I saw them – more importantly I saw her, and I knew she was the one. But she was guarded against everything – there was a wall surrounding her aura, bubbling her against everyone and everything.

But he – he was a different matter altogether. They were here together, but it was him who had the air of determination about him. If anyone, it was he who would walk out of here today with one of us.

It had to be me.

I had to be with her. She was the one.

She spoke then to him. “You do know we’re only here to look don’t you?”

“Yes, I know that”.

He peered intently into each kennel, scrutinising and examining every dog. I couldn’t work it out, she was the one I was supposed to leave here with – but how could I if she had no interest in any of us at all? I knew that the saddest brown eyes I could conjure up wouldn’t melt her today. Even the man she was with, who seemed to be her partner, she was guarded against. There was no flow of affection from her to him. There was no flow of affection from her at all. I couldn’t bear it. How could she be so closed?

I started to question my little voice, my guidance again. “Is she really the one I’m supposed to help? To guard? How can I guard her, protect and help her when she’s so closed off from the world?”

True to form, the little voice remained annoyingly quiet when I could really do with a word of encouragement. But the feeling that settled around my heart was one of contentment, rightness, purpose and truth.

The feelings of despair, sadness, and frustration in my head I resigned to ignoring.

She spoke again, my ears pricked up to catch every nuance of her tone. “How about this one? It’s a staffy cross.”

He was unimpressed in his response. “Don’t know why you want a staffy – or is it just because that’s what your mum has?”

“No. My thoughts were that we know nothing of the dog’s history at all, and we may as well try one that one of us has an inkling of understanding of it’s character to get as much help as possible”.

“Well, it’s too young anyway. They said we had to look for one that was an adult”.

I knew of the dog they spoke of. He was young, very young – brought in because he was too energetic for his owners and their young family to cope with.

But at that moment, they passed by my kennel. I can remember it as clear as anything – the red brick walls giving off an earthy smell which was almost overpoweringly overwhelmed by disinfectant. The tiles on the floor – red quarry tiles – again, the earthy and disinfectant smell. The other dogs, so many different dogs, the smell of them all, and the noise can be overpowering at times, and all through the air there’s a faint smell of metal – the wire doors, the bars that keep us in our places, and the medicinal and frighteningly clean smell of the vet’s room.

It all seemed too much.

But one look into her face and I knew somehow – that everything would work out.

I felt it. Her eyes met mine, and her wall disintegrated – for a fraction of a second, but it went. The feeling of love, companionship, safety that emanated from her in that second would have been enough to last me a lifetime if that was the closest I could ever have come to knowing her.

Before I knew it though, her guard was back. He however, fell for the ‘old man’ act as soon as he saw me.

They walked past the door to the kennel, although he gave no more than a cursory glance into each room he passed from this point. She seemed even more guarded though – and I thought my chance had been blown.

They walked out of the door at the other end of the corridor. Just before they left though, I sensed a change in her. She didn’t want to leave. I didn’t know if it was me she wanted to return for, or some other reason, but she didn’t want to leave.

I sat against the wall. I knew I didn’t look my best, they looked after us well enough in the kennels, but baths, and hair trims were unheard of. The other dogs just went back to whatever they were doing before they walked through. Chasing toys, chasing each other, sleeping… whatever they found gave them most comfort.

I couldn’t do anything though. I just sat and watched them – unable to loose myself in the fantasy/unreality of pretending that ball is really a rabbit, or a mouse. Things that were too important were looming. It felt like my future was laid out in front of me – a fork in the road. One fork was dark, forboding, menacing. The other was green fields, love, warmth and companionship.

The minutes ticked past. A few other people walked through the kennels, some with children, some on their own. I’d almost given up any kind of hope and was starting to nod where I was sat, when the metal catch opened. One of the workers came over to me, popped a lead around my neck and said “Lets go for a walk”.

I’d only done this particular walk once before. They take you around the kennels, past a field with some horses in, to another field that’s a fair bit smaller. The last time I came in here was about a month ago. I was too interested in the smells of the creatures that ran through the grass of an evening to think about anything else that may or may not be in the field.

This time though – I smelled her from before I even reached the gate. She was there!! He was too, and lets face it, he was the key to being with her.

My whole body changed in the instant I recognised her. My ears shot up, my tail started wagging, and I couldn’t help but dance on the end of my lead. I saw the two people in the middle of the field. Her guard was definitely up. As soon as the gate shut though, he dropped onto one knee and held his arms out. My lead was slipped from around my neck, and I ran for all I was worth towards them.

From about 8 feet away, I jumped. I couldn’t help it – I just wanted to fly into her heart. But as wings aren’t given out generally to dogs, I made do with a jump. But that jump landed me straight onto his chest, which was the clincher.

I made her smile – she smiled – and it was as sunshine through clouds after a storm. Or a warm bed by the radiator after a long cold walk.

He didn’t ask her opinion, but said to the worker “I think we’ll take this one”.

Calm settled into my body already buzzing with nervous tension.

I did it. I’m going home. I’m going home to her.

Gentry & Zoe.

My Mum has got me a warm coat, she tells me its red and that when the collar is folded up, from the back I look a little like K-9.  But there are times when it is nice to go out for a walk.  Most of the time we walk around the streets near our house and there are all sorts of interesting smells. Sometimes we’ll go out in the car and then walk somewhere with lots of trees, grass, and really interesting smells!

When I stop to smell, its my way of seeing who is around, if any other dogs have been past this way, if you like, its the doggy version of Twitter, or Facebook!

There are a couple of things my Mum does now that she didn’t  have to do.  First one is we do walk a fair bit slower, so I can’t help her with her fast walking anymore.  We used to walk lots, and quite fast and she would have a clock she carried too.  It was a bit silly, although I didn’t say this to Mum, but how could we beat the clock if she carried it with her???!!

But we tend to walk at my pace now, which is somewhere between a saunter and a poddle!

Also, my eyesight is not as good as it used to be, so Mum has to guide me carefully up and down those steps that keep the cars on the road – I think Mum calls them kerbs?

There is one downside to the fact that I can’t walk as far anymore though, and that is my claws aren’t worn down by the hard floor, so it does mean that Mum and Grandad have to cut them for me more often.  I don’t mind it too much, but my feet are very sensitive and I would rather it was over as soon as it started!

The other thing is there is a routine to getting ready to go, so when these things happen, I know we’re going out.  The first thing I know about it is that Mum might go and lock the back doors, but then she’ll put her coat on and put my coat on the floor next to me with my lead.  This way the smell from them wakes me up if I’m asleep, and it’s a nice way to be told “Hey, lets go out!”  Then, Mum will put my coat on, and then my lead and we’re off!

I enjoy our walks, as it feels like its our special time together and tt’s good to meet other dogs that are out and about, it reminds me I’m a dog!

Happy snuffling!